Ink and Paper

By: Axel Felicity

There are people in Earth that doesn’t have that summer aura described to people that are seemingly happy. Their faces frown, more often than not, like someone stole their last bill to buy their ticket home. They prefer to become wallflowers in social situations rather than to be noticed in their solitude. They avoid the limelight believing it’s a crosshair set for a thousand needles to break loose and pinch them. Spotlights are like disguised twisters, and it palpitates them before they could get anywhere near the radius. Invitations to social gatherings full of alien people are like with warning signs that read: ‘Proceed at your own risk’. Social situations wherein a clique to tag along with is a must are like preying a bison; it is best avoided if you don’t have a pack. Otherwise, endure in distress. 

Even though their desire to mingle and connect with other people is pushy, but it isn’t pushy enough to crumple the walls that safeguard them against perceived rejection. Yes. Just like that. Although rejection is not likely to happen but their previous experiences of isolation and distrust errs their rational mind making it errrational. The funny truth about this is they are aware about their irrational noesis during social anxiety attacks. They are aware that their fear of rejection, in reality, holds no water at all. They are aware that the present social situation could be different from the previous, hurtful ones but perceived it as would possibly have the same outcome. Sometimes this irony makes them laugh discreetly. However, the conflict of thoughts during attacks is at max, the anxiety level is enough to make them dumb or shaky or having a low-toned and overly polite manner of speech. The panic attack is serious that amidst their knowledge about their case, they could feel helpless. They would even attempt sometimes to interact or crack an awkward joke to get back to their sanity but will most likely fail.

The force springing from the desire for existence or recognition isn’t enticing enough to derail their psyche from “Strawberry fields” fabricated to escape the here and now. Sometimes “Strawberry fields” is an excuse to avoid contact with others. They would like others to think that they are strolling somewhere else with their minds but would never fail to notice auditory inputs within range. If not, then they are actually rooming around that “Strawberry fields” to avoid socialization. If “Strawberry fields” is inaccessible, reading old messages in their iPods is an effective escape.

Seriously these people are not mad at you or anybody. Although dislike is written all over their faces but it’s not about you or anybody else. It’s about their dislike with the social situation they are in. In fact, you get to see them accepting, kind-hearted, and adaptive in a way that you would want hang to around with them when they’re in their comfort zones. They are a good person but with social phobia tendencies that attacks them on certain social situations. It is also likely that some of them are depressed individuals or in the process of recovery from depression. Other psychological imperfections could also be a cause but the common offshoot is they tend to be dysfunctional when exposed to specific social situations. They’re like magnets that have an ‘Auto-Off Magnetism’ feature in certain situations. Worst of all, sometimes they just unintentionally repel people who could have offered them a piggyback if not fended off by a frowned face. Or maybe they are just unfathomable and none of my notions are correct.

 Another thing is that they could become the prime target of backbiters who can spread how heartless a person they are in a heartbeat. This is the reach where a perfect turnover of soul to the Meme gods is practical than to seek revenge and eventually lose in the process. Revenge is sweet but it can wait; losing in the situation is an add-on to the distress. I am not thoroughly sure if there are actually backbiters and judgmental people present in all social situations, but what I’m perfectly sure about is that they exist in their minds. Grave, there are instances that they would believe everyone around are villains - they think that, figuratively speaking, they are in the nest of vipers and everyone around is a potential threat. And this is not yet the worst thing about having this pip. The rock bottom is when they start not to take any visitors at home. I think.

Also, their seemingly maladaptive behavior that tends to appear like they are isolating themselves all the more is just an automatic defense mechanism. They don’t want to act like a loner or wallflower. No one wants to become alone in most social situations. But because the perceived threat of being hurt or isolated or rejected is too strong, having an impenetrable airspace means emotional comfort to them. That is why you should let them be if you don’t have the sincerity to accompany them. Trust me they’ll know if you take the role of an undercover shrink. And please don’t dare to ask them if they are okay or not – pointing out the obvious means murder to them. Lastly, this is a strong warning: don’t you dare try to evaluate their actions, or even attempt to read beyond their lines.

Based on hearsays and pointless discussions from my peers, there’s no dole out help that one can garner with regards to this problem.  In other words people having this problem should choose the right individuals to be with; there is a need to know which individuals can help or worsen. They should choose to surround themselves with people whom they trust, and trusts them in return. They should be with people that are, favorably, introverted and are engaging in conversations. And most importantly, they should be with people who are open about psychological problems and are willing to understand and lend a hand, without being told, in cases of social anxiety attacks.

Every one of us has this tendency toward psychological disorders. Some of us are aware of it, and some are not. There are actually some who died along with their disorders. People live along with their imperfections. And loving the self amidst its negative perks is a prerequisite to accept others sincerely. Where am I getting at? This is actually going nowhere again like my previous article. But my message is this: in dealing with persons with this kind of problem, it’s either you caress them sincerely or let them be. It’s either you caress me, or let me be.

I was thinking about slopes and X-Y intercepts when our host threw-in a talk about the death of his brother three weeks ago. His brother, a 22 years old nurse, blocked and double-locked his door, hanged himself desperately on the knobs of his cabinet using a nylon rope to end his life. He’d been comatose but his body gave in after three days. Upon hearing the story, I was shocked which impaired my incompetent and brittle knowledge on suicide aftermaths. I sat and listened in silence not knowing what best words to utter. I did nothing further than a tap on his back and resumed to solving slopes with a heavy heart. But I know that sometimes the best way to handle a situation is to not do anything at all.

Taking your own life is a dreadful task: making sure nobody sees you, watching a tutorial in youtube on how to tie a rope for suicide otherwise you’ll end up having that nasty scar on your neck, picking a means for suicide that fits your preference, outlining your suicide and checking your grammar, and getting through the dilemma whether to do it or not. But if one does it to get out of hell then one is justified. God must be real if you are living in hell. And it is clear that He doesn’t give a shit about you the same way He predestined Judas to become a traitor who soon hanged himself on a tree.

Enough of the bitterness I am turning 25 and this piece carries all my angst. It may turn out that I’m bitter upon writing this. But honestly, I’m not. I’m just stating the facts coming from the negative pole. Of course there’s the positive side in which I do not care to write about. I believe I do not have yet the license to “brag”.

Okay. During my Elementary days everything at home is unstable. From an average income earner’s lifestyle, with half a hearbeat everything went falling down starting from our businesses to family relationships. If I was old enough that time to sell my sperms or blood I would have done it for food. Good thing I wasn’t. But yes, it was the hardest days as far as I can remember. To continue schooling, I need to sell brooms in Puerto public market. I sold it for P25 and got P5 each broom sold. Luckily I can sell at least 5-10 items per day. Apart from that, I gather leafy leftovers from the market’s vendors and sold it to “Siano” for P20 to feed his goose. God? Of course it made me tougher but how could he let someone so young to experience those sorts of troubles? Tsk3x

I was in grade six when my friends and I got arrested of theft. Yes, I do not shame from it since up until now it reminds me of how a risk-taker I am. We didn’t do it wholly because of fun. We did it because it feels good acquire something without using money. We were a gang, a group of elementary students who steal at convenience stores and mini-marts on a daily basis. Yes, on a daily basis. I remembered one of the crew brought home a box of expensive chocolates. From then on he became our leader. The most expensive stuff I stole was a hair spray. The rest were just canned goods and anything consumable. To cut the story short we were arrested once and was sent to jail for half a day. I was shaking out of fear but I did not blame either one of them. Good thing my mother came to Police Precinct no.6 and begged the officers to release me. And that was the end of our free-food bonanza.

In high school, trust me I earn money playing billiards and Counter-strike. Apart from that, after schooling, I am a barker who gets P3 per motorsikad. The money I earned from barking will be used as a capital for billiards and counter-strike. Not to mention, to hone my counter-strike skills, I used to clean the internet café’s computers to grant me a free 3 hours play per day. That way, I can buy the things that I need to survive high school. And that include weeds – an “immunity badge” from the 4^th year students who can simply kick anyone else after school. So, good thing I had contacts to buy weeds.

After high school, although our economic status was still flat on the ground but sparingly my father, who is supposedly a seaman, was able to find a driving job for 6k a month. Note that we are a family of five. And my mother, a licensed teacher, can’t find a decent job so he took a masters degree in Don Mariano – an add-on to the expenses. And I, during that time, have no other choice to get into college but MSU-IIT. I didn’t make any preparation to pass the exam and IDK how but I passed the entrance exam. I took Automotive Engineering Technology at first with plans on pursuing Mechanical Engineering. After two years I shifted to BS Biology major in Botany for a year, and then I stopped. With our family’s income, I think I don’t have to explain further how I managed to survive in MSU for a few years. Trust me, my few years there were clean – I didn’t venture to selling drugs.LOL. I stopped because I decided to become a full-time activist. Yes, serve the people-serve the revolution (STP-STR) was my motto.

(Activism story was cut due to security reasons. Trust me, I almost died in there. Three of my friends/comrades died. They all came from MSU-IIT. However, there’s nothing wrong with dying for what you believe in. It’s a lot better than dying from lung cancer due to excessive smoking and drinking.)

I do a lot of tradeoffs every day. Whatever tradeoffs, my relationship with other people holds the greater weight than other things in life; a weight heavy enough to suppress my appetite for acquiring money and other things I dared not to mention. Once, I stumbled on “cyborgs” that doesn’t care about anything but to fuel themselves and fix their own faulty wirings. I stayed hoping that I could humanize them but sooner I found out that I should pull my own strings and get rid of them. They were substance abusers. Considering some level of discreetness to spare me from scrutiny, I almost give in to becoming one of them. Indeed, substance abusers can dehumanize anyone especially when you reach the brink of economic instability. Drugs are expensive BTW. Today, they are all born again Christians aside from Jun2x who died from “stroke”. And I did nothing.

I don’t really know how to end this but I think I should get back to the intro and try to, you know, try to think how beautiful life is. That’s what you people want to hear, right? How beautiful life is? Trust me, life is not as gorgeous as Madonna in American Pie. That is why sometimes you should see it backwards – instead of worrying about the future think about the victories you had in the past. Think about the struggles that came into your life and how you managed to get out of it, happy or not. Think about how much you have invested in life and how foolish you can become if you are to just watch it drifting away because of the things that are not there yet. Own both victories and defeat and get ready to stand firm for another battle. Wear your scars like a badge that reminds you that you were once hurt and it’s going to happen again, the same way or another. Wear your victories like a dress that cloaks you every time you feel inferior. Set your worries like a gum stuck at the bottom of your shoes. Wake up and walk every day, one day, you’ll realize that everything ends like a play. The director is none, and everything around is in motion because you managed to stay.

You are too strong to lose and yet you think about losing almost every day.

BTW, I should have submitted this to MMK instead of posting this crap to this page. Who knows I might get some cash out of this folly. Wehehehe. 

It was Friday at 3:45 PM, the weather and the sky alike were repulsive as Lean, a 2nd year Psychology student, tried to widen his lip sideward to fake a smile, and hid the hostility the world had brought him since the day began. He was passing XU’s Social Science (SS) building, the street was empty, and the trees within sight are moving gently as the cold wind blow the leaves off. Pulled by gravity, every leaf glides into the cold afternoon air depicting a gloomy epic scene like in the movies. 

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” He asked himself as he remembered something that gave him a chill - the memories of an old friendship, a love affair that could have lasted although bittersweet, but had lost its way into the oblivion of nothingness. As the lineaments of a girl occupied his thoughts, the world around him began to lose meaning. He recalled her name without constraints, it was Dibay. The name was two Filipino words patched together - “Digma” and “Bayan” or “Digmang Bayan.”

Their story began nothing like the normal gorgeous-prince-saves-the-helpless-cinderella we usually see in movies, and so as their relationship. They both started with fire, not with their feelings though but with their undying defiance against tyranny and injustices, against the widespread poverty and inequality, and against state terrorism as a normal requite of a government that is afraid of the people’s clamor claiming for what is rightfully theirs in the parliamentary of the street. In other words, both of them were activists, they share the same political views that brought about their basis of unity that had soon become one of the cornerstones of their relationship. And they met in the streets where a poor man’s justice could be found.

Dibay and Lean are best friends since they set foot in MSU-IIT. For almost two years they managed to mix activism, schooling, heavy drinking, and any other activities a youth would want to do but didn’t because of parental supervision. Their case was different. They are like free birds that had been caged for 18 years in places called house and school.

One day, Lean is nowhere to be found in a march-rally against the commercialization of the Philippine Educational System. That rally has had a direct hit to them since they are state university students, or what they called iskolar ng bayan. As it was about to start; almost 300 students started afoot from the street fronting MSU-IIT to Iligan City’s post office – the place where peaceful demonstrators usually set their rendezvous.

Dibay was one of the protestors, alone, wondering where Lean could be. As the march advanced, she keeps on wandering around and scanning every face her eyesight could permit but her boy could not be found. As the fervor of the youth-activists’ escalate, the airwaves in where the protest is nearing were conquered by their battle cry. Dusts turned to smog as it rose from the ground fogging the streets where they passed. Soaked with sweat, she found herself a good place in the picket line where she could have a chance to see the whole of the demonstration. She was then hoping to find Lean. Her dress stick to her skin making her body-shape visibly detailed from the outside. Although it wasn’t sexy but sure it was beautiful enough to catch the attention of a guy named Sander.

On the other hand, Lean was busy searching for a flower shop. Specifically, he is looking for a while tulip that made him circle around the city, delaying his participation on the protest. That day, for him, isn’t just about fighting for student’s rights. Aside from it was their first anniversary as lovers, it was also the third-year anniversary of their never ceasing friendship. Also, as their “rule of the thumb,” every rally is considered as a date. And Lean, with the certainty of love, never failed to brought something surprising every anniversary that they had. (to be continued…)

Note: I wrote this a year or two ago. LOL. I never thought I have this in my blog. The characters are real but the story isn’t totally real. 

the0834excitation:

a pre-Valentine post. ;) smart tips from kids.

(Source: devoureth)